I don't often talk about this. But I think it's time I did. Because if you're reading this and you may be struggling too and I want you to know you are not alone.
Home educating is hard enough on its own. Doing it while managing chronic pain and mental health conditions? That's a whole other level. And yet here we are, doing it anyway. Because our children need us. And because on the days we can't, we give ourselves grace.
Where It All Began
My mental health struggles started in childhood. I experienced trauma from a very young age that shaped so much of who I became. I was raised without the support I needed and learned very early on to just keep going, to push through, to survive. And survive I did. But it left its marks.
By the time I was a teenager I had been diagnosed with agoraphobia, a fear of the outside world that made even leaving the house feel impossible at times. Life continued to throw things at me that no person should have to face, and by the time I was 23 I had hit rock bottom. I was diagnosed with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and came close to being sectioned. I handed my children to their father temporarily because I loved them too much to let them see me the way I was. That was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made.
I have been in and out of therapy for years. I also live with PTSD, and I am dyslexic. In 2014 I had open chest surgery that left me with chronic pain I still live with every single day. In 2023 I was diagnosed with hypermobility syndrome on top of everything else.
And in 2022, at the age of 36 going on 37, I was referred for an autism and ADHD assessment. I am now 40 and still waiting. As anyone who has been through this process knows, the waiting list is incredibly long. But just being referred, just having my therapist say "let's look into this", that meant something. It's one more piece of the puzzle of understanding myself.
Some days my body hurts so much I can barely move. Some days my mind is so heavy I can barely function. And on those days, I still show up for my children. Not perfectly. But I show up.
How Home Ed Actually Helps
One of the things I didn't expect when we started home educating was how much it would help me too. Having a routine, a purpose, something to organise and plan, it gives my mind something to focus on. It helps switch off the noise, even if just for a little while.
The flexibility of home ed is everything for us. On my bad pain days we don't do formal lessons. We watch a documentary, do some crafts, bake something, or just have a cosy day together. That is still learning. That still counts. And nobody is judging us for it.
We set our own pace. We start at 10:30am because mornings are hard for me. We finish when we're done. Some weeks we do five days, some weeks three. We follow what works for our family on that particular day, and that freedom has been one of the greatest gifts of this journey.
The Hard Days
I won't pretend it's always manageable. There are days when the chronic pain is so bad I'm lying on the sofa and the children are working independently or on their Doodle apps while I rest nearby. There are days when my mental health dips and I feel like I'm failing everyone. There are days when the weight of everything, the past, the pain, the pressure feels unbearable.
On those days I remind myself: I am still here. My children are safe, loved, and learning. And that is enough.
My Rock
I could not do any of this without my partner. We have been together for 13 years this year and he is, without question, my rock. He stepped up and raised my son from 18 months old as his own. He loves my 2 older children like they are his own and on my worst days, the days when the pain is unbearable or my mental health crashes, he is there. Caring for me, holding things together, making sure I don't have to do it alone.
I am so grateful for him. More than words can say.
Mums Need Mental Health Days Too
We talk a lot in the home ed community about mental health days for our children. And rightly so. But I want to say this clearly: mums need them too.
We are allowed to have a day where we do something just for ourselves. A hot bath. A good book. A binge-worthy series. A long nap. A quiet tea or coffee with no one asking us anything. These days are not selfish. They are survival. They are how we keep going.
If you are a home educating parent managing your own health, physical or mental, please hear this: you are doing an incredible job. The fact that you are still showing up, still trying, still choosing your children every single day despite everything you are carrying? That is strength. That is love. That is enough.
If It Wasn't For My Children
I'll be honest with you, because that's what this blog is about. There have been times in my life when I didn't want to be here anymore. Dark, desperate times when the pain, emotional and physical felt like too much to bear.
My children saved me. They are the reason I kept going. They are my angels and I am grateful for every single one of them every single day.
Home educating them, watching them thrive, seeing Bonnie find her confidence and Archie find his voice, it gives me a reason to get up every morning. Even on the hard ones.
So if you're struggling today, please hold on. You are needed. You are loved. And you are not alone. 💚
Sarah, Home Ed Mum Diary
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